Why Is That Sooo Hot?
Hello again beautiful readers – I always so thoroughly adore sitting down to write to you and this post feels especially juicy and exciting. I’ve been going to my sexy classes the past many weeks and have very fun things to share with you. I have been learning soooo much – I hardly know where to start! I finally got to attend my Authentic Kink with Princess Kali class. So hot and super informative!
I don’t have a great deal of experience with kink myself, but have always been super curious to learn more and am ready to start expanding my horizons. When I saw this class was being offered:
I got totally excited and hoped it might help demystify it a bit and that attending might make kink a little less intimidating to me.
I don’t know about you, but it looks complicated to me with all the leather outfits and bondage gear (though I know this is not the only kind of kink!)! And it seems that some people just have a natural talent for it and are just naturally spontaneous and super open – and that has not been my own personal experience. I find it so strange that some things (like skydiving) don’t intimidate me at all, yet other things (like kink) feel overwhelming. No rhyme or reason to it. So, as mentioned, I was hoping this class would help break the ice a bit. And I do believe it did that to some degree – it made me feel more comfortable about approaching it – helping me to get a bit more clear about the how’s and why’s of it all. Though I must admit that it also added to my intimidation factor after a point. I will explain more about that later.
Stepping back a bit – and as I reread this, I had to sit with myself and contemplate why the curiosity that I mentioned above. What makes me curious about kink and what is the appeal – and then why the fear or trepidation? I feel the need to explore that a bit more here, so here goes. The appeal – I know there are certain activities or scenes that I’ve seen in porn or read about that just automatically turn me on – and in a very big way. Like just fucking erotic and hot down to my core, almost like a primordial experience – something I have no control over that just overpowers me – and makes me question myself and want to know why. Things just so naughty and taboo.
Why does the daddy thing turn me on soooo fucking much? Why does the thought of being tied up and whipped make me start throbbing and get all flushed?
When I tend towards such soft slow sensual expression normally and don’t subscribe to violence of any sort, nor do I find rape or a father molesting his daughter to be even remotely okay, yet those type of role-play fantasies totally turn me on. Wtf? How am I supposed to make sense of that in my mind? And since I cannot make sense of them in my mind and feel really fucking twisted by the fact that I am turned on, how do I share that with another and actually act on my fantasies? And I absolutely know that I am not alone in these fantasies, but that does not make it any easier to come to terms with in my mind. It feels really fucking weird to me.
And this is actually the first time I’ve shared out loud about some of these things, which feels really fucking vulnerable, but oh well. That is why I started this blog! To start getting more real with y'all! And with myself above all.
I do know I am not alone here.
So that brings me back to the why – why kink? Why the curiosity? Why do these things appeal to us? Is it because they are naughty and taboo? Is it simply because we want to have that feeling of being in control/out of control, as I’ve read countless times? Is it some deep-seated psychological trauma? Is it such an embodied expression of the patriarchy and centuries-long tragedy of sexual violence perpetrated on women. I actually raised this concern with the intimacy coach I was seeing some weeks back (Stella) as I really am trying to make sense of it – and especially after reading Sacred Pleasures that explores in depth how violence now permeates so much of our sexual expression, even though it now masquerades as role-playing, consensual, and simply “intense sensation,” as Stella explained. Stella chose not to use words like “pain,” opting for, as mentioned above, “intense sensation.”
Is this just a clever way of avoiding the reality of the situation – the perpetration of violence towards each other that we have come to embody as acceptable and that we actually desire and/or enjoy?
Or am I just wayyy overthinking all of this and it is just one more way that our society has shamed our sexual expression?
I was exploring this topic with my girlfriend yesterday and she didn’t feel it was necessarily a tendency towards violence, but more about being in or out of control, not knowing what was going to happen next, being vulnerable, and having deep trust in a partner. She also spoke of the beauty of seeing someone in binding – the visual appeal of the contrast of leather strips and bare flesh, for example.
I was especially curious about my fantasy of being tied up and whipped or spanked, wrists bound high up over my head, standing naked and exposed – or at least scantily clad in tiny lingerie – what IS that I was asking?
Why does that turn me on so much? Is there something dark lurking beneath in my psyche? Or is it all innocent and simply one avenue of sexual expression? The conversation got extremely interesting as she offered her thoughts on it and what I found especially interesting, in addition to the things mentioned earlier in this paragraph, was her feeling that these types of scenarios had the capacity to engage partners at a much deeper level – that they tended to be much more present with each other when engaging in this type of role play. That concept fascinated me and seriously got me thinking – and it makes a lot of sense.
She said it can be much easier to ‘zone out’ when doing our ‘normal’ sexual routines with partners – but this type of play required much more presence, more thoughtfulness, more trust, more communication.
I believe my tendency was to think quite the opposite prior to hearing this. That people might be so lost in fantasy that they can’t be present with their partner – and of course this is most certainly the case with some people – but it was so refreshing to hear an entirely different take on all of it and that it could in fact actually bring about more presence. Deeper connection. How beautiful. I felt so grateful to have had this conversation with her and it really helped me to relax into my fantasies and kinks quite a bit more.
It helped to ease up the shame that had crept in and made me question what was wrong with me.
Loving it! And you know – it has actually been my experience that when I’ve gotten to act out some of my fantasies, there seriously was much more thought process, communication, preparation, emotion, trust, and connection with my partner as we went through the process and trust of the fantasy being revealed, the decision to move forward with it, the preparation and planning and communication as the days built up to the moment, the connection, trust and vulnerability of sharing emotions the entire time and then even more trust, vulnerability and connection when the scenario finally unfolded – a crescendo of pleasure, release, passion, beauty, desires fulfilled – and, yes, even awkwardness and things maybe not going quite the same as they do in our fantasies. But yeah – trust and vulnerability. These are huge. And such deep connections are made when we are able to be vulnerable with each other.
I mentioned fear previously – contemplating why I feel fear and trepidation around sharing about or acting out my fantasies – my kinks. And I feel like I just answered my question –
It is because it is such a vulnerable thing to do, to really put yourself out there, to trust that your partner can hold space for your kinkiness and oddities, your unique sexual self-expression, and your potential awkwardness at acting them out – as it really doesn’t always go as smoothly as we envision it in our minds or we see on the screen. And society has told us these things are not normal - they are indeed - kinky.
But you know…
When I think back on all of my sexual encounters, it is the ones where I was vulnerable, took a chance, and shared my fantasies with my partner – and then acted them out – that I recall the most vividly and that were the most mind-blowing. They are forever etched into my being, as are the partners that I got to share with. So wow. That was not the conversation that I expected to have with my girlfriend yesterday and I am feeling so unbelievably grateful for it. I still have a few things nagging at my psyche surrounding my most cherished fantasies, but I’m not going to give them quite as much power as I have previously done. I will continue to explore this and opening up the conversation with people. This one is rich to be sure!
So, I kind of got off into the weeds with this post, but they were some very important weeds to get into – and I ended up finding a most beautiful meadow of wild flowers that I never would have stumbled upon had I not ventured off the path.
Again, feeling so grateful for it! That being said though, there is a whole separate section of this post that I believe will be best saved for a Part Two of my Authentic Kink with Princess Kali class. That will share more about what I actually learned in class. Stay tuned beautiful readers! And thank you again for being part of my exploration! This has been amazing in so many ways.
Sending love to you as you travel your own journey of exploration - so beautiful that our paths have crossed!