Slow the Fuck Down
Okay, so maybe that title sounds a bit aggressive, but that is what has been kicking around in my mind for quite some time now and I just can’t sugarcoat this one, as it really would detract from the importance of what seriously needs to be said. And “Can We Pretty Please Slow Down With Each Other?” just doesn’t have the same impact now does it? And besides – I love saying and using the word fuck. I really do.
Slow the fuck down with what you ask?
How about we slow the fuck down with touching, with sensual encounters, with the removal of clothing, with giving oral pleasure, with receiving oral pleasure, with making love, with fucking, with sexual expression, when talking dirty, when making out and kissing, when having sex, when moving in and out, when flirting…and seducing, with playing, engaging in fantasy, and role-playing – all of it.
This is a friendly reminder and an invitation to bring it down a few notches – to be in the moment, savor the experience, savor the other beautiful being standing in front of you. Savor the sensual energy. Savor the beauty of the moment. Relax, ground down, open to receive, breathe, enjoy, let go.
Sloooowwww the fuck down (get it?)…
And I totally get raw, carnal passion that has more of that primal urgency to it – but that is not what I am talking about here. I am referring to the majority of our day-to-day sensual encounters. All too often I feel like the experience could very seriously slow down quite a bit and be oh-so-much more pleasurable, more rich, more connected. All too often it feels like a race to the finish line – and it doesn’t make a lot of sense really.
We crave these moments of intimacy and sensuality sooo much and yet when we are actually in them, we tend to move things along at some rapid-fire pace rather than settling into them and savoring the connection and all of the beautiful sensations that are occurring.
I’m thinking right now of the time and effort I spend prettying and pampering to ready myself for a sensual encounter, the building anticipation, the desire that has been rising. Preparing my space, applying lipstick, donning lingerie...
And how often it seems to go completely unrecognized – without a second glance or any sense of appreciation of the luscious surroundings and the beautiful feminine energy. Lingerie is removed in a flash. Pants and shirt disappear before I have a chance to savor the beautiful presence all wrapped up in clothing like a special gift just for me. I love the unwrapping part – I love the sensation of clothing on my bare skin – the excitement of what lies beneath. The anticipation.
I adore feeling hands moving over my body – over my lingerie, across my panties, that thinnest layer of material separating my flesh from my partner's flesh, a tongue on my panties. Absolutely exquisite. Slowly peeling back the layers. Slowly moving closer to the moment. Kissing and licking my way down my partner's body, fully enveloped in sensual energy, appreciating breath, presence, bodies, the longing. Embracing our connection. Feeling our hearts beat.
All of these things happen slowly. I want to be fully engaged, fully tuned in, fully turned on. This happens in the slow. This happens in the sensual. This happens in presence.
On the reading list on this site, you will find a lovely book titled She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s [or Woman's] Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. In this beautiful gift to humankind, the author emphasizes and highlights the importance of slowing down and taking one’s time. That it takes time to turn a woman on, to engorge the genitalia, to fully activate all the 18 parts of the vulva. 18 parts! That bears repeating – yes – 18 parts!
In all of my experiences receiving oral pleasures, I cannot tell you how many times my partner just DIVES for the one part that most people know to be “the clit” (which is actually just the tip of the iceberg!). The most sensitive part – the almost too sensitive part for people with vulvas. And the rest of the vulva goes completely ignored, drastically reducing the amount of pleasure given and received – and often resulting in too much sensitivity that can, quite honestly, leave one feeling frustrated and lacking.
There is so much more potential for pleasure and connection when one slows down, contemplates what is taking place, and explores thoughtfully and with presence.
I have been recommending this book to partners and because they have followed through with reading it, I have been experiencing a very beautiful connection and so much more pleasure – we have been noticing big changes in both our physical pleasure and our emotional connection. Both are becoming much richer, more authentic, more passionate. So much more depth. So much more fulfillment – on so many levels. It has been a beautiful unfolding and is showing us what happens when we slow down – when we bring more intention and presence to our encounter. I highly recommend reading this book yourself and sharing it with partners if you have them. While I didn't completely resonate with every bit of it, I did learn a great deal that has seriously enhanced my sensual experience. As with so many things, take what resonates and leave the rest!
And again – this is my invitation – to all of us. Let’s slow down. Let’s be more present with each other. Let’s be in greater appreciation of the beauty of the encounter. In the nuances and intricacies of the dance that happens when two come together - or when we are alone and pleasuring ourselves - no partner necessary! Let us cherish the moment and celebrate our sensual desires and passions. Celebrate these sensual human bodies we inhabit.
As I have been contemplating and working on this post over the past few days, a fun little idea came to mind – or rather a challenge if you will. In the spirit of slowing down, perhaps try this challenge during your next sensual encounter where you get to give oral pleasure to your partner or when you are self-pleasuring.
The 5-Minute Challenge: when “going down” on your partner (or when self pleasuring), try to not touch the most sensitive part of the genitals (typically the clitoris and the clitoral hood (buy the book!) or the head of the penis) for at least 5 minutes.
Explore the areas all around these sensitive spots more thoroughly using your tongue, lips, and fingers. Experiment with pressure – trying a softer touch or more firm touch – with lips, tongues and fingers. Experiment using the tip of your tongue vs the flat of it – all around the area. Use your fingers to lightly touch and caress all around. All for at least 5 minutes. Yes, 5 minutes! Sounds easy enough right? But it’s not.
Trust me when I say though that this absolutely heightens arousal, intensifies sensations, increases blood flow to the area and makes everything sooo unfuckingbelieavably much more delicious.
And then when you finally do let a finger or the tip of your tongue brush ever-so-lightly over the clitoris or head of the penis, it is going to feel 1000 times better for all of the anticipation and sensual build-up. Seriously. Test it out. See what happens. Do you know how exquisite it feels to be teased and adored in such a way? Absolutely breathtaking! So give it a shot – I dare you!
And another unbelievable way to slow things down – play with panties on for a while. This goes back to the lingerie piece I was getting into earlier and how gorgeous it feels to have that ultra-thin layer of material between me and my partner – and this goes both ways.
I adore the feel of flesh beneath underwear – touching and squeezing and brushing my fingers over it. Using my mouth and hot breath to tease and give a little glimpse of what is to come. Little licks through the cloth. Just damn hot.
And I absolutely love this done on me – to feel a mouth on my panties (don’t go for the clit just yet though!) – a tongue and fingers exploring down the sides, little brushes and strokes, little teases and tastes. Absolutely sublime. Taking time, drawing out the pleasure, savoring the sensations. So beautiful.
And remember: this is an excellent thing to practice with yourself. We tend to be so goal-oriented when we self-pleasure.
It is so lovely to experiment with slowing down with ourselves, taking our time, seeing if we can take our pleasure to new heights, discover new ways to touch ourselves and enjoy our bodies.
I hope you find inspiration in all of this. I am certainly inspiring myself with this one!
Sending so much love to you on your sensual journey! So grateful to be able to share my thoughts and musings with you all.