• Saidi

Embracing Self

I am a sex worker.

I am also…

A devoted wife

A student

A gardener

A spiritual practitioner

A home-maker

A care-taker

A witch

A magician

A gym enthusiast

A hiker

A camper

An adoptee

A recovering alcoholic

And an ex-heroin addict

A holder of a Bachelor of Social Work degree

And a Gerontology Associate degree

Currently working on my Masters

A writer

A poet (even published a time or two!)

A blogger

A devotee

Who talks with her spirit team all of the time

A lover

A friend

A best friend

A 45-year-old

A hospice volunteer

A vegan

Who tries to eat mostly organic

A world traveler

Well – five countries thus far, including the one I live in

A pet lover

A tantrika

A cook

A Scorpio

With a moon in Cancer

Recovered from Hepatitis C

A lover of books

A grief support group facilitator

An almost-felon

With a number of misdemeanors under my belt

And too many trips to jail

A mostly recovered bulimic

A daughter

A niece

A sister

A cat lover

A movie watcher

An avid follower of astrology

A hand holder

A sensualist

A healer

A learner

A teacher

A guide

An Amazon Prime member

A star gazer

A wearer of many boots

An owner of three coloring books

An aspiring landscape designer

A dreamer

A motivator

An up-lifter

A control freak

Just trying to let it all go

A goth at heart

Who still adores super loud music

A nerd

And the owner of the beginnings of a very fine hat collection

And stunning crystal collection (!)

I am a Goddess

I am love.

I am all of these things.

I am none of these things.

And I am much, much more.

And I have spent my entire lifetime trying to hide one or more of these aspects of myself from you, from me, from my family, from friends, from society, from academic institutions, from the powers that be, from the people in control, from the people that make the rules, from the people who hold the love, from the people who hold the key, from anybody I feared judgment from – anybody that might keep me from going where I wanted to go – accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish – living the way I wanted to live – expressing the way I wanted to express – learning what I wanted to learn – loving what I wanted to love – loving how I wanted to love – being who I am meant to be.

My life has been quite an adventure. Full of joys and full of sorrows. As is usually the case with us human beings. It has been a powerful journey of self discovery. A journey that continues to morph and change, day in and day out. I don’t yet have it all figured out and I have come to relish the beauty of that fact. And though I do not have all the answers and I still find myself absolutely perplexed at times by all of life’s little complexities and nuances, I have learned a thing or two along the way – and I feel called to share that wisdom with you, with anyone who wants to listen, with anybody who is looking to connect, with anyone who might need a little support on their journey.

I started off this post by just putting it all out there – I have worked long and hard to embrace my entire self and to not live a shame-based existence. Though I am mostly out of the closet with being a sex-worker, it is something I am still working on owning in some circles as there has been such stigma and shame surrounding sex work. It feels especially empowering to put it out there front and center – to own it, to rock it, to let you all know how much I love it! And to highlight the fact that though I do love it and it is an important part of my life, there are many many many other aspects of me that are way more influential and powerful in my life. I, probably much like you, am a very complex, rich, and many-faceted creature who expresses in a ton of different ways – and sex work is just one of those many ways.

My life has taken some very interesting twists and turns and has been anything but “normal” – and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have learned and grown so much and am so appreciative for the places I have been. I have gained so much compassion and empathy for myself and for others. The grief I have experienced helps me appreciate the grief that we all carry, for one reason or another. Having spent so much of my life feeling like an outcast and a misfit and like I just simply did not belong has helped me to recognize how we each have struggled with trying to find our place and to feel loved for exactly who we are and how we have shown up in this lifetime. So much of our energy is spent trying to conform and fit in and mold ourselves to what society has deemed appropriate – and it has sucked the life out of us and wasted much of our precious time and energy. I have never fit in and now I am so grateful for that. And grateful to be finally fully embracing myself and saying “fuck it!” I love myself and how I have shown up. And I am ready to start seriously rocking it!

There is so much I feel called to share and I am contemplating what exactly my intention is for this blog, as I believe setting intention is the very foundation of our lives. This is one of the big lessons I have been learning over the course of my life – when I don’t set intention and focus my energy, my life feels scattered and out of alignment. This quote from Deepak Chopra embodies my view beautifully:

“Intentions compressed into words enfold magical power.”

When I set intention, which can be as simple as saying internally or out loud “I want to align more fully with love,” my life starts to align with that intention. It sounds very simple when I put it like that, but it has actually taken years of practice to feel like I finally have a real grasp on what it means to live a life of intention and in alignment with my true purpose. My true purpose is indeed to align more fully with love – or to remember that, at my core, all that I truly am is love. There are many other intentions I set day to day and as I go about my life, but that one has remained central for many years and has been my theme. I’m grateful to be able to share that I finally have a very real and actual lived experience of this – years into my spiritual practice and years into doing pretty much everything possible to keep bringing myself back to this intention: mantra, meditation, journaling, writing daily affirmations, annual pilgrimages to India, reading tons of books (or at least starting them anyway!), prayer, talking to my spirit team, and on and on and on. Anything to keep returning to my intention. Another excellent quote that I hold dear:

“Isn’t it great to know that you cannot control your world from the outside? To try and control things on the outside feels impossible because it would take so much work, and in fact it is impossible according the law of attraction. To change your world, all you have to do is manage your thoughts and feelings on the inside of you, and then your whole world changes.” ~ Rhonda Byrne

And now that I feel I am truly in a place of embodying that, I feel called to share more about my process and about my journey – with the intention that perhaps some of it will resonate with you and speak to you and inspire you in some big or small way. Furthermore, I set an intention to continue to be conscious of the desire for perfectionism and continue to consciously let that go! Just write from my heart, not my mind so much. I need to let go of outcome and just enjoy the expression of self via the written word – which I absolutely adore.

I get excited about connecting and sharing. So I am just going to try to stay in that excitement and joy. I am ever trying to move out of my mind and down into my heart. Our society makes that complicated as it is so mentally focused and we are praised for being in our heads, while scorned for being too emotional, too heart-based. Our hearts are very systematically shut down from a very early age and then it is our life’s work to find our way back to them. That is what it has been for me anyway. The shutting down of my heart and my emotions led me down some dark pathways, which only served to shut me down even further. It has been a long journey finding my way out of the darkness and has also been a powerful journey of learning to integrate that part of myself that was drawn to that darkness. For we can’t have the light without the dark. I have discovered how important it is to remember this point. We can swing too far in either direction. We need to balance and harmonize the two aspects of ourselves. This, too, has been a lifelong journey – learning to embrace all the aspects of myself and not judging, criticizing, or shaming myself (or others). Definitely a process. And one I am excited to share about here.

Grateful that you have found your way to this little post here. Breathing in, breathing out, opening to self, opening to expression. I look forward to continued sharing here. I look forward to a continued embracing of self – of shining my light brightly – of loving whole-heartedly. And that is the main intention of this journey: Embrace self; shine light; love, love, love!

Thank you again for being here!

Sending much love and light your way ~ Saidi

Favorite cafe in Haridwar, India!

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