Communication is Sexy
Okay – so I am kind of excited to be sharing this with you all. And this may sound a little bizarre to some, given my long-held career in the sensual arts, but – I have just booked my first session with a sex & intimacy coach. Believe it! I feel like I am coming into a new area of exploration in my life and feel ready to break out – start pushing some of my edges. If you read that last post of mine, you know I have struggled with some self-imposed restrictions due to the societal shame and stigma associated with sexuality and sensual expression in this Christian era. It has been a long journey crawling my way out of that crap and into the light of free-flowing sensual expression and fully embracing my Goddess-given sexuality.
I am such a sensual creature and feeling the restriction surrounding my self-expression has been frustrating, isolating, and painful.
Don’t get me wrong – I do have a beautiful time with my sensuality – I just know that I hold myself back and I am feeling sooo over that. I know there are new realms to explore and new heights of sensuality I can reach. It feels like the time is now! That Sacred Pleasures book has really helped me to get back in touch with some long-held desires, curiosities and cravings. And The Universe seems to be in support of my explorations as enticing resources have been finding their way into my life – like the book!
SheBop is a local “female-friendly” sex boutique that offers all sorts of exciting toys for fun-filled sensual adventures. I was in there recently buying a gift-card for a fundraiser. As I was heading out the door I stopped at a table where they have a bunch of flyers and cards and promotional material – I saw that they offer a number of educational classes and this totally sparked my interest. I just had no idea there were local classes on different topics surrounding sexuality. Hell yeah!
With names like “BJs with AJ – A Fellatio Workshop” and “Pleasure Mastery Workshop” how could I not be intrigued?
I have always considered myself a life-long learner so, though I know I am extremely skilled in some of these areas, I am always ready to up my game! Of course the fellatio courses were full by the time I got on-line to register (I got on the waiting list though!). I guess I’m not the only one who loves this activity! I’ll be watching for more though, don’t you worry! I’ll be sure to share about it here with you when I get access into that one.
Even though the courses I was most excited about were full, I was feeling super inspired and didn’t feel like waiting to start exploring and expanding my skillset. The soonest course available (that wasn’t full!) was about consent and communication. Though this didn’t sound as fun or sexy as the fellatio class, once I gave it a bit more thought I started realizing just how much I needed to be in this class. I have always sort of shied away from communicating in the bedroom, despite the fact that I had a long, successful career in the sensual arts. It feels kind of odd to be admitting this, but I’m just going for it because I know I am not alone here. And again – part of that shame thing around our sexuality is not feeling comfortable expressing or asking for what we want. People likely tend to think that escorts have it all together in this area and are well-versed in communicating likes and dislikes, but it just isn’t true - for me anyway.
There is so much crap wrapped up in asking for what we want – fear of sounding weird, fear of rejection, fear of offending the other person – so many bizarre fears in our head keep us from experiencing the pleasure we really want.
We pray that our partner figures it all out without us having to say anything or we simply give up on exploring certain aspects of ourselves because it seems easier than having the conversations.
I have previously been of the mind that I didn’t want to have too much conversation and was more comfortable simply exploring and seeing what happened – that talking about it wasn’t very sexy. I’ve been asked “what do you like” and I never really had an answer – or my answer was that I just wanted everything to be soft, slow and sensual (though this isn’t always the case actually!). Touch me soft and slow. I offered no more direction than this. Each person is new and different and I wanted to experience their energy before I could think about telling them how I like it. You know, when you just let things go, you discover things you like that you’ve never experienced before – and you couldn’t in a million years have told them to do “that” because you’ve never experienced it and it is unbelievably amazing.
You know that feeling when you don’t even know what is going on because the sensations are just so deliciously overwhelmingly heavenly – you can’t tell if it’s fingers lips tongues or a combination of all of the above.
So to try to direct somebody felt like it might limit my experience. And I really do adore the exploration and experience of something new – what is this person going to do? How do they like to touch? What sensations am I going to get to experience? I don’t have a specific formula for that I want as it is so different with different people. Like a beautiful improvisational dance.
That being said though, I am starting to appreciate that being able to set guidelines, to give some general direction and to have a list of things I absolutely love (like my nipples sucked on and bitten pretty damn hard is absolutely exquisite!) and things I do not love (generally no fingers inside please – unfortunately it seems to upset my pH - damn!) really changes the experience for both of us.
I have learned recently how much it enhances the experience to share my boundaries upfront and ask my partner about their boundaries as well – this way I don’t have to worry about it in the moment and I can relax into it all knowing that we are both on the same page. Seeing as how that aspect of communication has gone so beautifully, I am feeling ready to explore other ways to get comfortable with communication and I am starting to appreciate how awesome it would be to have a more concrete list of turn-ons and turn-offs. We talked about this a fair amount in the class I went to and it really spoke to me. It isn’t going to hinder creativity and exploration, it is going to enhance it and help ensure I have my world totally rocked by you and that I totally rock your world!
And it goes both ways – I have asked my partner what it is that they like and been met with no response – in which case I simply proceeded to do what I do best and totally blew their mind! Ha!
And I totally love just taking control while my partner relaxes and doesn't worry about a thing.
BUT – I am also starting to really appreciate the idea of more collaboration and communication to see where that might lead. My small exploration thus far is leading me to believe that beautiful realms are opening up and we are about to kick this thing into a new dimension! Hence my upcoming session with this sex and intimacy coach. Now that my palette has been whetted, I want more! I want to get even more comfortable sharing what I like and what I want (without feeling any shame about it!)– and I want to explore other aspects of my sexuality that I’ve been too shy about previously. And I want to know more about what turns my partner on. So excited about this next phase of the journey. And super excited to share about it here.
I appreciate your reading. Sending much love and light!